Actually been feeling real down in the dumps lately. Feeling like a bum, a loser, a nobody. I've been chilling. But I got over it quick. Only because chilling just isn't the same anymore. For one thing, a lot has changed with everyone, & another thing is that I've been thinking too much. Way too much. I think it's because for the first time, I have plans for the future. It's not just something I want to do in the future. I feel like I'm going to accomplish my goals & set a firm foundation for my life. I just have find that push to read that level of dedication. I know I will, but I feel like I need it now. I've been distracted by my own thoughts & today, I was overwhelmed by it. It felt like an invisible shield that just surrounded me, preventing me from even moving forward. Every single day, I find myself sitting in my room, fed up with living here. I want change. I want to live somewhere else. For awhile at least. A new state. There's so much to see & so much opportunity. I'm over the fear of leaving my home. Hawaii will always be here. I'm over the fear of leaving my friends. Lately, it hasn't been the same. Everyone is doing their own thing, but I still want to try & just gather up everyone one day & just go to the beach & skate like old times. But, I find myself doubting all of that, also. I'm so distracted from the future that it puts me down that I get so irritated with my parents, lack of privacy. I have no space. I just need to focus & get my priorities together. That's the first step. I just can't believe I've been feeling like this lately. Lack of everything. Fear of finding a new job. I hate getting used to a new job & new people. I don't want to be doing something I don't want to be doing, but sometimes it has to be done, I guess. Today, I spent the whole day trying to type up an updated resume so I can finally turn in an application that has been sitting under my bed for a few weeks. I don't know whats stopping me though. But I just have to look at it as some kind of change & a part of step 1.

I feel like I've been letting certain people down, as well as myself. I'm seriously fucking lost at the moment. Which brings me to the question: Why do things work the way they do? Like, why do we have to work so hard for money in order to do the things we love to do? It sucks. It feels like I'm waiting for something, but waiting is not doing me any good at the moment. I just can't figure out what that "thing" is. Every night, I tell myself that I'm going to get stuff done in the morning, but I never do. I don't know why. I'm usually good with that. I honestly think I'm still not completely over Vans & I've been spoiled by the chill atmosphere. I mean, where else am I going to find a job where I can dress the way I want, be who I am, fool around to a certain extent, & work with a product that I love? I don't know. That's why I have so much hate for the Corporate side of Vans & Waikele's district manager. He honestly ruined so much for me. It brought me to a little tears today because I seriously feel like he fucked up part of my life. I'm hoping things will catch up to him one day. Real soon. I really wouldn't be in this situation right now if he wasn't such an asshole of a district manager. It kind of sounds like I'm trippin' way to hard, but I liked my job. I was getting paid pretty good, I think. My co-workers became my friends. I don't know, man.

But I just need to get back on the grind again. My time chillin' is up. Got to get on the move again. It's going to be tough, but I have a feeling it's going to be worth it some how. Got to get a move on the future.

-- I actually started this entry almost a week ago. I wanted to write a whole lot, but kind of lost things I wanted to say. But lately, I've been pretty good. Not feeling so bad, but I know I'm still in the same situation. Spending the last of what I have on these Christmas gifts that I really want to give out, so hopefully those will be worth it.