Carry On...

3/12/11 - Letting go of something so important to you isn’t an easy thing. I think that everyone understands that. One of life’s greatest fears is losing something so important to you that it’ll impact your life. It’s just another test that life throws at you. Who ever said life was going to be easy? Nobody. Why? It’s because the purpose of living is to live, learn, reflect, change, build, conquer, enjoy, the list goes on. Walking into my Grandpa’s hospital room, I was even more shocked than the last time I flew up here. This time, he looked like a mummy. That’s honestly the first word that came to mind when I saw him. He’s less responsive. His hands are stuck shut. There’s no circulation in his legs. It’s gross. It’s tough. It’s hard to stand there, watch my Aunty & Mom shed tears. What caught me was watching my Uncle. He was in a major car accident years ago, which left him retarded. Not so retarded where he can’t do anything. He has a job, & does everything that we can do, but he’s a 50 year old with a 13-year-old mind. But you know, when he walked into that room, I could feel his energy. I could feel his sorrows. He has feelings just like us. If anything, he has the biggest heart. Sometimes, I wonder what’s going on in his mind. He’ll stand at my Grandpa’s side, & sometimes he’ll just face the wall. He can’t stand to see my Grandpa, his Dad, like this. It kind of tripped me out to see & feel the kind of energy going on that room. But we’re finally going to stop the suffering. We’re finally going to let my Grandpa live in the sky among us. It’s never an easy thing, but at least we all know it’s the right thing. My Grandma was always a very strong woman. Never sheds tears. The only time I ever saw her cry was when my family & I would fly up here every summer & when it was time to say goodbye. She was always stern, & kept a straight a face. But on this trip, I’ve seen her breakdown as soon as we stepped into the door back home. It broke my heart into a million pieces. Now, all I see is a little delicate woman, but I know she’ll be strong. She’s not in this alone. But you can feel the emptiness in this big house. Growing up, as soon as you walk in, no matter the time, it was a place where you could just run wild & be free. But now, it feels like just a house. I know it hits my Grandma every time she walks in the door. I understand that. She’s going to lose her soul mate, her life partner, the man who slept on the futon next to her couch for years. I wonder how she sleeps at night. But we came home the other night, she walks to her couch to put her purse away, & we’re all congregating in the dining area & my Grandma comes back around & just starts crying. She walked straight to my cousin & asked him why. Why things are happening, why bad things are happening. I was so hurt. But I kept my composure & I went up to hug her. That pain in your throat when you’re fighting tears was almost unbearable. Last night, we all had a very late dinner at Denny’s. All 8 of us were laughing, forgetting about the situation, & we had a good time. But the topic of growing up & the “good old days” came up. How when we all used to carpool & go to the Border so the grownups could enjoy the Casinos & we had the arcades. We would stay at nice hotels for 3-4 days. But as that topic grew, my Grandma looked at my Uncle & said, “Who’s gonna take us now?! Daddy’s gone…” The table fell silent in a second & again, my heart broke. It’s hitting my Grandma hard & I can’t stand to see her weak side for the first time in 21 years. All I can do is just hope for the best for everyone. I can feel myself becoming stronger every time I walk into my Grandpa’s room, every time I look at everyone’s tears, & every time I take the time to let the mind do it’s thing. We drive about 115 miles back & forth just to see my Grandpa. That means, iPod for about 2-3 hours going & another 2-3 coming back home. That gives me lots of thinking time. So much thoughts, words, & feelings, I just want to jot down little paragraphs as I think, but I just keep it all inside. Finally got the time to start writing.

I think it was the second day here; I had probably the craziest dream. It wasn’t those retarded dreams I usually have, but this dream was a trip. I didn’t look up anything or try to figure out what it meant, I just left it as it was. But in my dream, I went to my Grandpa’s funeral. It was at a weird building & only the family was there. But when I walked into the building, everyone was excited to see me & so excited that I could make it. Why? It was because I was deployed somewhere. Apparently, I was in the army & I showed up in uniform. After I said my hellos & gave my round of hugs, I decided to walk to the back of the building. I entered this door way in the back & it took me to this library type place. There were desks & lamps & books everywhere. There were people in there studying & writing. I slowly walked down the center of everyone, & there I saw was my girlfriend. But she was younger, & we didn’t know each other. I remember tripping out in my dream. I kind of stood there, trying to figure out what’s going on but I couldn’t. I walked outside & took a seat. I remember trying to piece things together in my dream. Then I saw my girlfriend walking out of the building. I was going to follow her. I know I was rehearsing what to say to her. I know I was going to tell her that I know her & that we’re going to be together later on in life. But before that, I woke up. I didn’t want to try & figure this dream out. I think some dreams don’t need to be figured out.

3/14/11 – We cry because it hurts, we cry because we’ll miss, we cry because it’s hard to accept. But we smile because we remember, we smile because we know, & we smile because things will be better. It breaks my heart to look at my Grandma. She looks so lost. It breaks my heart to even lie in bed at night. I’m staying in the extra bedroom where my Grandpa kept all his things & I just think. But positivity lurks in everything.

3/16/11 – It’s definitely something to stand there & watch your Grandpa go right before your eyes. I didn’t want to write about this, but I’m all about sharing everything I feel, think, & experience, & I like making a difference. Maybe someone out there will come across this & maybe I could make a difference. But once we pulled the plug, we didn’t expect my Grandpa to last that long. He lasted for about an hour once we pulled the plug. We all stood around him & watched him breathe for his last remaining minutes. I just kept thinking to myself that he must know he’s loved, all these people by his side. The most important thing to me was that he looked comfortable. That’s all that mattered. If I had to describe my Grandpa in one word, it’d be magical. He always seemed magical to me ever since I was little. I don’t know if it was his courage, or his strengths, or his knowledge, or even his stories. He was just something else. We said that he took so long to go because he’s strong. That’s probably it. But we all knew it was coming any minute & we were all there. I was there. If I wasn’t, that would have to be the biggest regret of my life & I could never live with that. But like I said, watching my Grandpa go before my eyes was pretty damn intense. You don’t know what to think. You can’t blink. All I could do was just stand there & watch. Trying to figure out if this is real or not. Some say the spirit leaves the body the second the person passes away. Ever since my Grandpa went, I’ve been looking for him, day & night. I went out on my balcony one night & I’m not sure if I felt the presence of someone, or it could’ve been the cold wind, but I had a serious case of chicken skin. It had to be the wind, because it I got chicken skin, it had to be somebody else. But I go out on the balcony every night to just look at the sky, relax, have a little conversation with Grandpa & tell him I miss him & so does everyone else. Tonight just felt real calm out there, though. It felt warm, & I know the wind was quite chilly. I usually get weird vibes out there, too, but I didn’t feel anything at all tonight. I’m wondering if he was there, sitting down next to me. I know we all find ourselves thinking about him at night. But its like I don’t have any tears left. Maybe I just feel relieved? The same relief I felt in his hospital room when he went. Relieved because no one has to see him like that anymore? I don’t know. All I know is that he impacted my life & I miss him. The same day he went, we all had planned a little barbeque back at the house for dinner. Outside by the grill were my cousin, my dad, & I. It was quiet for a while then my cousin came out & said, “So, this is what he wanted, huh.” And I starting thinking… My Grandpa lived a great life. He accomplished so many things. Lived in a house he designed himself. Bought the car he always wanted. He lived his dreams & it’s sad to be here without him. But we know he must’ve gone happy.

3/18/11 – I’m back home, but I feel really weird. Maybe it’s because I got so used to the mainland, again. But this time, it just feels different. I feel like I have “unfinished business” up there. If I didn’t have so much for me at home, I definitely would’ve stayed up there for a long time, no doubt. It’s weird. I usually can’t wait to come back home. I can even explain in words how excited I was to see Janel today. I had a great dinner with her & it felt so great to hold her again! But in the back of my mind were Grandpa, Grandma, & the mainland. On the way to dinner, it hit me how small & boring this island can be. I don’t know, man. I’m hoping all of this was just because I enjoyed the 53-degree weather everyday. We’ll see in a few days…

But I wouldn’t really consider this trip a “life trip”, too much. To me, it was more of realization-type thing.

I think I said all I needed to. I don’t want to sit here & keep thinking of things to say. I’m sure there’s some things left unsaid, but if I do come across it I definitely write about it soon.


I LOVE YOU GRANDPA. It's weird knowing you're gone, but I can't wait to see you again. Watch over Grandma, it breaks my heart to see her like this...